I had a bad day at work, so I’m eating my feelings. My feelings taste like Cool Ranch. 

Last week I broke my sunglasses, since I sat on them while trying to find a coupon for a buffet in my car.

Just made an appointment with the dentist, while sporting a chunk of romaine lettuce in my teeth. Appropriate.

I just injured my hand, while trying to open my water bottle. Conclusion: It’s still not open. I think it’s a lost cause.

I can’t possibly have coffee grinds in my hair, can I?

Last night I fed my cats wet food, and used a fork to scoop it out of the can. Minutes later, I accidentally grabbed that same fork to eat dinner with. And yes, it was visibly covered in “salmon and tuna dinner”. And yes, I realized too late.

Dropped a jar of spaghetti sauce on my foot this morning, while trying to prep my lunch. I was more impressed that the glass didn’t break, and for a brief moment, liked the fact that my kitchen floor/foot resembled a crime scene.

Just noticed that I have a “Remove Before Wash Or Wear” tag inside my jeans. These jeans are at least a year old, and have been washed and worn plenty.

During my lunch break, I realized I had carrot in my hair. It might have gotten there during that time, 1 minute prior, when I was choking on a carrot.

I bought a McFlurry, and an M&M fell into my boot.